[ let it be said that even if it's cheesy as fuck, if all else fails a good rose will always be the perfect gift. you could give him one a day for the rest of his life and he would be the happiest little clam. he'll probably tell kaiser of this tidbit before it comes to that though. ]
Why ever would anyone hate Monday? Monday is when we all return to work or school, and get our busy weeks started. Having a little something waiting for me on Tuesday as a reward for getting through Monday sounds much more reasonable to me.
[ reasonable to who??? only this silly workaholic. ]
A reservation is recommended, yes. As it is a fine dining experience, they only allow a few people in at a time. How about we share our parfait there, then bring something along to eat somewhere else? I'm torn on the location though. If I want the *full* Valentine's Day experience then I would like us to go somewhere popular among couples, but as we are not a couple and both of us hate crowds, somewhere more private may be better suited to us.
[ so much for this not being date, but also, he is extremely obsessed with making it clear this isn't actually a date. again, it's complicated. you only get your first valentine's day once, alright? ]
[ true! but kaiser has other low-hanging fruit to get through first, like a pack of those fancy japanese strawberries, nice stationary for his note taking, tea samplers, so on and so forth... ]
oh.
[ okay... freak behavior, but kaiser won't say anything against it... tuesday-thursday-saturday it is. also, riddle doesn't need to worry, kaiser understands the angle here. someday maybe they'll both get their own husbands, but they will always be closer to each other than to their stupid ass husbands :) ]
good point, i guess it wouldnt make sense to take parfaits out, would it? im thinking a hotel suite or something along those lines one of those places where you can rent out the entire penthouse level?
[ wow, if the king of freak behavior thinks it's crazy then Something is up..... also don't tell riddle that or he will crash out and start sobbing on site. he's barely holding on as it is!! ]
Well, that *sounds* lovely and all, but wouldn't an entire penthouse level be far too excessive?! It's just the two of us... Even if we stay into Saturday, it isn't cheap in the slightest. Going to the park or a nice museum would suffice.
price doesnt matter, i make a lot of money. and i dont spend it on anything really
[ he does have somebody he pays to manage his finances... but even still, he has a big discretionary budget and he just ends up saving it. what better use than to use his funds to spoil his favorite and only babygirl? ]
we can go to the park or museum anytime werent you saying valentines day should be special?
You know that's not the point! Oh, bother. Nevermind it... I know you're as stubborn as I am. For all I know, you'll do it anyway and surprise me the day of. Just be sure we're able to stay into Saturday so it's worth it! I have never experienced anything so luxurious, so we might as well make the most of this, right?
[ dj riddle begins working on a playlist, a companion to his previous man-hating valentine's party one. chappell roan, the cardigans, blackpink-- he is certainly in a mood. not necessarily a bad one because he's genuinely getting a bit excited about how such an extraordinary not-date will turn out, but it's still complicated enough to where simply studying won't be able to distract him from it. down the music rabbithole he goes!! ]
You're right... Firsts should always be important. Even moreso on specific days such as this.
[ now he has to make sure his chocolate doesn't taste like utter hogshit... kaiser is going through all this trouble for him, and riddle can't be the one to fuck it all up by sending him to the hospital. ]
[ because yes to all of that. but he has to ask because he looooooves being told "yes, you can do that", even better if it comes with a bit of a sigh at the end. especially from riddle!! ]
so, then, should i come pick you up? or should we meet there?
[ awww, how can he stay mad at his silly little bestie? ๐ฅน kaiser seems really excited too... riddle will put a single happy song on this playlist. as a treat to himself. ]
That I do, you terror.
I propose we meet at Iwayanagi's. That way, I can give you my chocolate while we watch our parfait is made, and we won't need to worry about it melting or some such. Is that agreeable?
[ uh, yeah??? duh??? he absolutely has to eat that shit. it's TRADITION, it's the RULES, does kaiser think riddle is putting them both through this for shits & giggles?!?! ]
Perfect. One in the afternoon it is.
I think I'll wear this blue ensemble from Dolce. I daresay you'll love it.
oh my, going against your personal aesthetic for lil ole me? and here i was planning on wearing red, i do it often enough as it is but ill defer to your choice, of course
[ it might be hard to tell... but he is very flattered... and he might even be looking forward to seeing this fit? he can't just say that though, he's too #cool and #nonchalant for that. ]
Oh, hush up. We can wear red on White Day when I return the favor and take *you* on a lovely outing. Be sure to look forward to it, alright? *I'm* certainly looking forward to next Friday, so use this opportunity to set the bar high in order to ensure your White Day is as memorable as my Valentine's.
[ he assumes kaiser's favorite shade of blue is on the dark, velvety, and regal side, but hopefully his not-date is still charmed by the 995$ light blue shorts and 2095$ blouse decorated with blue lace. it's his duty to be the best not-date partner possible!
while his appearance is immaculate on the day of, unfortunately his modest bag of burnt chocolate that genuinely looks like shit from a butt fails to deliver. it ended up tasting bitter, sour, and chemical-y, completely unbefitting of iwayanagi's upscale Dining Experience. the good news is everyone around them was so repulsed that no one wanted to sit near them or talk to them as they shared their parfait. a win...?
...not really. as they make their way to final leg of their otherwise wonderful not-date, riddle attempts concocting ways to try and make up for his sad excuse for honmei. should he do something nice for kaiser now? or maybe it'd be more appropriate to wait for white day...? decisions, decisions... ]
[ with an outfit that expensive, kaiser does not want to hear about how much he spends to spoil his bestie anymore. never mind that splurging on an outfit that will see multiple uses has a bit more staying power than one incredibly expensive hotel booking for a night, but that is not the point!!
truth be told, kaiser pretty rarely wears much blue himself — he's already always got blue accents between the tattoo and the questionable hair dye, so more threatens to be overkill. he keeps his outfit rather clean-cut and minimalist in a navy blue dark collared shirt enough to be mistaken for black with off-white embroidery, with matching dress slacks just a few shades lighter — simple but well-executed and probably tailored to his specifications. kaiser is aware his looks are flashy enough on their own, so he's chosen to offset that with a simple look and get his points for execution.
kaiser eats the chocolate ("it tastes better than it looks," he'd said after swallowing, which — true! — and then "it's edible. yeah, i'll finish it." turns out that eating out of trash cans for years was training for a greater cause all along) and then eats his share of the parfait. he doesn't really enjoy doing these things, but he enjoys doing them with riddle, and he shall purposefully not inspect that feeling too deeply on their way to the hotel, lest it lead him to thoughts that he won't like thinking.
when he booked the penthouse level of this hotel, he had more or less just gone for some combination of "most expensive" and "best location" without thinking about it too deeply. he spends a lot of time living out of upscale hotel rooms, so he thinks he knows what to expect, but he taps the key card to the scanner to open the door and let riddle step in first and realizes this is on a different level. half the walls are windows, and the door immediately opens into a living room area with an unnecessarily large L-shaped couch. kaiser thinks he can see speakers built into it too, he's taking note because he will want to watch a movie to see how impressive the sound system is later... ]
รรผล... [ so impressed(?) that his lowbrow german slang leapt out against his own will. ] Right proper, isn't it?
[ as a brit would say :) in his mind, at least. kaiser shamelessly wants to fully sprawl onto the sofa and will beeline over to do so... ]
[ to the surprise of no one, riddle has been a blushing mess all day; the rosy brightness dusting his cheeks upon seeing how, dare he say, gentlemanly kaiser looks for their outing persists for a long while. it lingers in simultaneous embarrassment and delight when kaiser does the impossible and eats his chocolate, when he marvels at their overelaborate parfait that riddle swears is as tall as he is and costs a month's worth of hello fresh, and it definitely remains when he steps into their penthouse. ]
That it is...! It's bigger than my apartment.
[ whatever it was kaiser mumbled, riddle heartily agrees. while his wife acquaints himself with the massive sofa, riddle himself is drawn to the suite's massive bay windows that give a view of the city he's never seen before. it's a far cry from his own bedroom windows back home, which are still covered in bars to this day.
riddle isn't interested in dwelling on those sad memories tonight though; after lingering in front of the glass for a moment longer, he turns back to the big blue lump on the couch and can't help a fond smile. ]
This really is magnificent. Once again, you've blown my expectations away completely.
[ as he speaks, he meanders over before carefully sitting himself next to kaiser's head. he even leans down slightly to make sure their gazes meet and riddle's sincerity is felt. ]
[ kaiser's tall in a relative sense, but not tall enough that he finds any particular inconvenience in it — or so he had thought, until he noticed just how much he can spread out on this sofa without any of his limbs spilling over the edges. he yawns, more reflexively than because he's actually tired, blinking sluggishly a few times before riddle comes and sits down next to him. ]
... That's because I'm exceptional, after all. Not many people can manage what I can.
[ read as: not many people have the bank account that he does? but putting that aside, kaiser reaches up, patting riddle on the head lightly before letting his hand settle briefly at the crown of his head — just for a few moments, before letting it slide off. ]
But, my god, you're going to make it hard for me to do better next year. [ unless riddle has a hot date (actual, unambiguous) next year?! hmph... ]
[ being trapped in petite hell means everything is huge and expansive to riddle, even this massive sectional. riddle likens it more to a damned bed than a sofa, but taking note of the impossibly tall television nearby-- it makes sense. it'll make for the perfect movie-watching experience.
not that that's on riddle's mind for long, not when he feels kaiser's hand on his head. riddle giggles softly behind his own hand before sitting up properly. he doesn't acknowledge that he would have been fine with kaiser's touch lingering. ]
Right you are. I can safely say no one else could ever possibly treat me to all this.
[ riddle will need to start saving his pennies up for white day... ]
You're already thinking of next year? There's no need to rush. If you're lucky, I'll have acquired a trial boyfriend to take me out. The poor bloke-- Whatever he does will be completely overshadowed by your efforts this year.
[ he was thinking the same thing, that hopefully he'll have bagged a hottie who takes him on a real date, but the more riddle ponders it, the more he realizes that his dream valentine's date is kind of already happening? there are a few missing elements that he dares not name, but all in all, there's no going up from here. what can a boyfriend possibly give him that kaiser hasn't?
riddle...will not think about this any further. instead, he leans over to start easing his low heels off. he spotted a fancy shoe rack in the corner and like hell he's not going to use it. ]
Anyway, what shall we do? Would you care for a movie, or shall I call room service?
Of course he will be. [ the phrasing is slightly different here... kaiser is saying that the hypothetical boyfriend will be overshadowed, not his efforts. totally different! ] But you should cut him some slack. How could somebody who's only known you for a year possibly outdo me?
[ kaiser is very unthreatened by this hypothetical boyfie... he feels very secure that even if riddle went and got himself a boyfriend — married him, even — that he will still be number one. that's just how it is! if anything, he lowkey welcomes the opportunity to pull toxic power moves to prove to mr. boyfriend that he will never be more important, and it might not even be close. chatgpt could never make up an r/relationships post this comical and horrifying!
anyways, kaiser will pull himself up to a sitting position, leaning back against the sofa and enjoying the way that his body sinks into the cushions. the lazyass in him is leaping out at how comfortable this all is... ]
Mmm... a movie first, then. [ he's still recovering from the homemade chocolate and parfait combo... ] Given the holiday, I suppose a romance?
[ not... the genre kaiser is generally into. but a good movie is good regardless of the genre, he supposes, and his usual taste might be a little too much of a downer for valentine's day. ]
[ there's something beautiful about the fact riddle is genuinely torn up and in perpetual anguish over the mere thought of two of them linking up with other people while kaiser gleefully awaits the day he gets a free pass to torment what would essentially be the side bitch. happy valentine's day, everybody! ]
Don't be foolish.
[ riddle chuffs. ]
When have you ever known me to cut anyone slack? If he wants to keep me, then he will either impress me or die trying. I won't accept anything less.
[ though, he has to say, he kind of agrees with kaiser. riddle, the delulu little munchkin, doesn't think he's that hard to please. just take him out for gourmet dessert, provide an act of service, and rent out an exorbitant private space for him so he doesn't have to interact with riff-raff? the hardest part will be eating his honmei without expiring!
while kaiser flops around a bit, riddle takes a moment to hook his fingers into the backs of his shoes to hang them up, responding all the while. ]
A romance would be appropriate... We will need to find something with an interesting subgenre, however.
[ when he returns to slide onto the couch next to his bestie, riddle has brought the remote with him. ]
Ah. What about the new Nosferatu? I have yet to see it, but I want to. A dark, macabre romance is still a romance.
[ pretend nosferatu is already out or that i sent the hotel my pirated copy. anyway, riddle is pretty sure he'll crash the fuck out if they watch a sad romance or period drama, and he knows for a fact neither he nor the wife would enjoy a lowbrow romcom. ]
[ in fact, that's kind of kaiser's preferred arrangement, because he is self-aware that he has intimacy issues that are severe and abnormal and cares enough to not want to bring that into a regular bedroom arrangement? so this hypothetical boyfie can take care of various household needs like a good little trophy husband... it's like what people who fear the woke lgbtqs would do if they could implement their version of the handmaid's tale. ]
Mm, okay. I heard it got pretty good reviews, I've been wanting to watch it too.
[ he lifts his arm so riddle can lean against him and kaiser can drape his arm over him. the sofa is actually so comfy that kaiser doesn't think his tit is a particularly good upgrade to it, but he thought he should offer the option! ]
Have you seen the original movie before? I promise, I won't make fun of your tastes for being pedestrian if you haven't...
[ more like kaiser's the weird one for having seen it and being a zoomer... to be honest... ]
[ it's okay, because riddle's self-awareness extends so far as to know he is an unlikeable weirdo most normal people simply cannot or will not tolerate-- deep down, he's convinced that outside of his books and grades and whatever his mother has lined up for his future, he has nothing and no one. it's getting...a little bit better? sometimes he genuinely thinks about telling his mother to fuck off so he can become homoplatonic life-partners with a certain famous soccer player and maybe even dabble in law school.
alas, he's paralyzed by the perpetual anxiety of kaiser deciding to dip one of these days, so standing up to his mother won't be happening anytime soon. it's also why, upon his return, rather than sit down immediately, he stands and stares at that riddle-sized space offered to him by his bestie.
riddle knows what it means when someone lifts an arm for you like that, he's not that fucking naive!! and you would have to be an absolute goofball not to want to lay on that sweet german booba?? cor blimey, does riddle want to. that's prime fucking real estate right there? just imagining the warmth and firmness is making riddle's face heat up. to reject this offer would be true headassery.
unfortunately, the headassery is probably going to win out over riddle. when he wonders which he'll regret more, going in for the cuddle or not going in for the cuddle, he's...not actually sure? to the surprise of no one, riddle has never sat this close to anyone before. what's more, to share such an intimate first with the person he's insane over... is it not obvious why this decision could ruin someone's life?
in the end, riddle says 'u think u have intimacy issues lol hold my beer' and does what he does best: deny his desire. after kind standing there and staring and blushing weirdly, he takes his seat next to kaiser, but is mindful of leaving enough room for jesus between them. he does his best to act totally normal and not all gutted as he fiddles with the remote. ]
I have not, as a matter of fact. Tease me, and it's off with your head. I wasn't allowed to watch television or movies growing up, so anything I've seen thus far has been fairly recent.
[ boop boop boop goes the tv as he pulls up the sexy gothic vampire movie..... ]
[ surprisingly, kaiser will be normal about the offer to cuddle being rejected. the thing is, though, is that kaiser is like a cat in that he only wants to be touched on his own terms, so who knows when this chance will come back around... but also, kaiser is really enjoying leaning back into the sofa, so he doesn't mind too much. strictly speaking, his boobs are usually available to riddle and the comfort of this hotel room is not — so he gets it! (he does not get what is going on in riddle's mind, though.)
he just puts his arm down like a surprisingly normal person and leans back further, relaxing against the cushioning. ]
Hm, well, we all have our crosses to carry. [ just a little teasing? eheh? ] It's fairly good. I mean, dated, for sure... but it's nice to watch some older cinema every once in a while. You know, to appreciate how far it has come since.
[ that, and at heart, kaiser has the tastes of an old man. ]
I'll leave the commentary for afterwards, though. I'm ready whenever you are.
[ kaiser's a good wife and lets the husband take charge with these things...! ]
[ oh, to be kaiser, oblivious to the agonies of those who are unfortunate enough to [WORD NOT IN THE BAD BITCH BIBLE] him. it must be nice. riddle thinks it has to be nice, because there's nothing pleasant about the way his stomach knots up with immediate regret. now his fucking chest hurts??? he hates this. seeing the other man put his arm down like it's the most normal thing in the world makes riddle feel even less normal than he already is. ]
Oh, honestly... [ kaiser can has little a bit of teasing, as a treat. ] Perhaps we can watch the old one after we finish this one? It might be interesting to compare and contrast the cinematography. Anyway...
[ he's being sincere about that. boop boop, says the tv, and then the movie starts. it's a little hard to concentrate at first, not due to a lack of entertainment because the movie is actually really good?? but riddle's indecisiveness is still on his mind. sure, this sofa is the most comfortable thing he's ever sat on, but even so, nothing compares to german naturals, and honestly he feels a bit like he's being absorbed into it because of how small he is??? as if he could get lost between the cushions like a common penny...
maybe it's his imagination. regardless, it's about when count olrok's sexy ass shows up that riddle decides enough is enough and he forces himself to scoot in next to his wife. not enough to press against him, he can acknowledge that that ship has sailed, but it's certainly clear he wants to be closer, what with him leaving enough room for one of his small hands to fit between their hips and that's it. imagine riddle's surprise when, other than him blushing furiously, nothing happens. nothing changes. kaiser doesn't immediately declare this friendship Over and leave him forever. who would have thought? ]
[ true, everybody knows german craftsmanship is unparalleled, and kaiser has put his all into honing his craft (working out). he is so blissfully aware of riddle's situation — both mentally, and the fact that he might get swallowed up by the sofa cushions — and unironically is completely locked into the movie, the obnoxious connoisseur of them that he is. when riddle scoots in, kaiser glances down and towards him, blinking a few times before looking back at the screen... maybe he doesn't want to make anything of it, kaiser figures? he didn't before, and kaiser can read the room! ahah!
that said, riddle is awfully red and kaiser is making an effort to be a good friend(?) or something(?), so he leans in slightly before asking: ]
All good?
[ for some reason, he says this with more of a german accent than usual. he's been vibing with his countrymen onscreen, perhaps. never mind that they aren't actual germans... ]
[ maybe being more daring and indulging in closeness isn't such a bad thing? communicating his feelings and worries to kaiser has worked out well in the past-- isn't this the same thing in a way?
oh, nevermind it. riddle knows if he dwells on it too much right now, he'll end up missing what is genuinely an enjoyable movie. it hits all his pings! classic literature, accurate period costumes, gore, and all manner of things not typically associated with prim little flowers. kaiser isn't bothered by the sudden decimation of space between them, therefore he has no reason to spare it anymore thought.
poor thomas' problems seem more deserving of his attention, quite frankly. riddle is just about to settle in and return his focus to the movie, but of course kaiser has to throw him a curveball (as he so often does), leaving riddle deciding once and for all-- fuck thomas, his life is infinitely worse. ]
Ah... Yes. I'm fine.
[ totally fine. that's why he averts his gaze momentarily and tucks a lock of hair behind his ear. terribly cliche, he knows, but there's no saving him, not with that deep voice and slight accent spoken so close to him. he couldn't turn redder even if he wanted to. ]
I was simply getting more comfortable. With how tense the atmosphere is, you should be more worried about Thomas right now.
[ whether bad things happen to this poor white man cannot be helped at this point, as far as kaiser is concerned. he has excellent division between fiction and reality when the direction is coming from the fiction side! when it's coming from the reality side, though... not so much. nobody can be perfect, though. ]
... It's not a stomachache, is it?
[ kaiser could tolerate a few of riddle's special chocos after forging his strength with years of eating trash and other such things barely better than plastic. he shalln't even attempt to estimate how many test rounds riddle has been through over the last few days, so it seems very possible that a combination of more of that today plus an ultra luxurious parfait could be hitting really hard at the moment? he's sooooooo... thoughtful! ]
Obviously. I meant that you should use your imagination and put yourself in his place rather than worry about me.
[ his wife is such a smartass... though, riddle has to say, he would probably just sock the creepy old weird vampire man in the face if he got too close? and imagines kaiser would do something similar if he was in isekai'd into thomas' life right now?
well, it doesn't matter. riddle can barely pay attention when he's working his hardest to try and steady his heartbeat. his chocolate abomination and the most delicious parfait in the world are the furthest things from his mind, leaving him wondering if he appears sick or nauseous. despite the anguish it's causing him though, riddle doesn't make any moves to scoot away, instead putting on a frown and trying to remain strong. ]
It most certainly isn't a stomachache. From where I was sitting, it felt as if I was sinking between the cushions. They're almost too soft.
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Why ever would anyone hate Monday? Monday is when we all return to work or school, and get our busy weeks started. Having a little something waiting for me on Tuesday as a reward for getting through Monday sounds much more reasonable to me.
[ reasonable to who??? only this silly workaholic. ]
A reservation is recommended, yes. As it is a fine dining experience, they only allow a few people in at a time. How about we share our parfait there, then bring something along to eat somewhere else? I'm torn on the location though. If I want the *full* Valentine's Day experience then I would like us to go somewhere popular among couples, but as we are not a couple and both of us hate crowds, somewhere more private may be better suited to us.
[ so much for this not being date, but also, he is extremely obsessed with making it clear this isn't actually a date. again, it's complicated. you only get your first valentine's day once, alright? ]
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oh.
[ okay... freak behavior, but kaiser won't say anything against it... tuesday-thursday-saturday it is. also, riddle doesn't need to worry, kaiser understands the angle here. someday maybe they'll both get their own husbands, but they will always be closer to each other than to their stupid ass husbands :) ]
good point, i guess it wouldnt make sense to take parfaits out, would it?
im thinking a hotel suite or something along those lines
one of those places where you can rent out the entire penthouse level?
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Well, that *sounds* lovely and all, but wouldn't an entire penthouse level be far too excessive?! It's just the two of us... Even if we stay into Saturday, it isn't cheap in the slightest. Going to the park or a nice museum would suffice.
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[ he does have somebody he pays to manage his finances... but even still, he has a big discretionary budget and he just ends up saving it. what better use than to use his funds to spoil his favorite and only babygirl? ]
we can go to the park or museum anytime
werent you saying valentines day should be special?
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[ dj riddle begins working on a playlist, a companion to his previous man-hating valentine's party one. chappell roan, the cardigans, blackpink-- he is certainly in a mood. not necessarily a bad one because he's genuinely getting a bit excited about how such an extraordinary not-date will turn out, but it's still complicated enough to where simply studying won't be able to distract him from it. down the music rabbithole he goes!! ]
You're right... Firsts should always be important. Even moreso on specific days such as this.
[ now he has to make sure his chocolate doesn't taste like utter hogshit... kaiser is going through all this trouble for him, and riddle can't be the one to fuck it all up by sending him to the hospital. ]
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yay
you know me soooo well ๐
[ because yes to all of that. but he has to ask because he looooooves being told "yes, you can do that", even better if it comes with a bit of a sigh at the end. especially from riddle!! ]
so, then, should i come pick you up? or should we meet there?
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That I do, you terror.
I propose we meet at Iwayanagi's. That way, I can give you my chocolate while we watch our parfait is made, and we won't need to worry about it melting or some such. Is that agreeable?
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okay, how about we meet there in the mid afternoon, then? around when youd normally have tea
also... how dressed up are you going to be for it
[ he needs to know. so he can pick his outfit accordingly... ]
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Perfect. One in the afternoon it is.
I think I'll wear this blue ensemble from Dolce. I daresay you'll love it.
[ he's absolutely dressing to impress the wife. ]
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but ill defer to your choice, of course
[ it might be hard to tell... but he is very flattered... and he might even be looking forward to seeing this fit? he can't just say that though, he's too #cool and #nonchalant for that. ]
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[ he assumes kaiser's favorite shade of blue is on the dark, velvety, and regal side, but hopefully his not-date is still charmed by the 995$ light blue shorts and 2095$ blouse decorated with blue lace. it's his duty to be the best not-date partner possible!
while his appearance is immaculate on the day of, unfortunately his modest bag of burnt chocolate that genuinely looks like shit from a butt fails to deliver. it ended up tasting bitter, sour, and chemical-y, completely unbefitting of iwayanagi's upscale Dining Experience. the good news is everyone around them was so repulsed that no one wanted to sit near them or talk to them as they shared their parfait. a win...?
...not really. as they make their way to final leg of their otherwise wonderful not-date, riddle attempts concocting ways to try and make up for his sad excuse for honmei. should he do something nice for kaiser now? or maybe it'd be more appropriate to wait for white day...? decisions, decisions... ]
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truth be told, kaiser pretty rarely wears much blue himself — he's already always got blue accents between the tattoo and the questionable hair dye, so more threatens to be overkill. he keeps his outfit rather clean-cut and minimalist in a navy blue dark collared shirt enough to be mistaken for black with off-white embroidery, with matching dress slacks just a few shades lighter — simple but well-executed and probably tailored to his specifications. kaiser is aware his looks are flashy enough on their own, so he's chosen to offset that with a simple look and get his points for execution.
kaiser eats the chocolate ("it tastes better than it looks," he'd said after swallowing, which — true! — and then "it's edible. yeah, i'll finish it." turns out that eating out of trash cans for years was training for a greater cause all along) and then eats his share of the parfait. he doesn't really enjoy doing these things, but he enjoys doing them with riddle, and he shall purposefully not inspect that feeling too deeply on their way to the hotel, lest it lead him to thoughts that he won't like thinking.
when he booked the penthouse level of this hotel, he had more or less just gone for some combination of "most expensive" and "best location" without thinking about it too deeply. he spends a lot of time living out of upscale hotel rooms, so he thinks he knows what to expect, but he taps the key card to the scanner to open the door and let riddle step in first and realizes this is on a different level. half the walls are windows, and the door immediately opens into a living room area with an unnecessarily large L-shaped couch. kaiser thinks he can see speakers built into it too, he's taking note because he will want to watch a movie to see how impressive the sound system is later... ]
รรผล... [ so impressed(?) that his lowbrow german slang leapt out against his own will. ] Right proper, isn't it?
[ as a brit would say :) in his mind, at least. kaiser shamelessly wants to fully sprawl onto the sofa and will beeline over to do so... ]
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That it is...! It's bigger than my apartment.
[ whatever it was kaiser mumbled, riddle heartily agrees. while his wife acquaints himself with the massive sofa, riddle himself is drawn to the suite's massive bay windows that give a view of the city he's never seen before. it's a far cry from his own bedroom windows back home, which are still covered in bars to this day.
riddle isn't interested in dwelling on those sad memories tonight though; after lingering in front of the glass for a moment longer, he turns back to the big blue lump on the couch and can't help a fond smile. ]
This really is magnificent. Once again, you've blown my expectations away completely.
[ as he speaks, he meanders over before carefully sitting himself next to kaiser's head. he even leans down slightly to make sure their gazes meet and riddle's sincerity is felt. ]
Thank you, Kaiser. Truly.
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... That's because I'm exceptional, after all. Not many people can manage what I can.
[ read as: not many people have the bank account that he does? but putting that aside, kaiser reaches up, patting riddle on the head lightly before letting his hand settle briefly at the crown of his head — just for a few moments, before letting it slide off. ]
But, my god, you're going to make it hard for me to do better next year. [ unless riddle has a hot date (actual, unambiguous) next year?! hmph... ]
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not that that's on riddle's mind for long, not when he feels kaiser's hand on his head. riddle giggles softly behind his own hand before sitting up properly. he doesn't acknowledge that he would have been fine with kaiser's touch lingering. ]
Right you are. I can safely say no one else could ever possibly treat me to all this.
[ riddle will need to start saving his pennies up for white day... ]
You're already thinking of next year? There's no need to rush. If you're lucky, I'll have acquired a trial boyfriend to take me out. The poor bloke-- Whatever he does will be completely overshadowed by your efforts this year.
[ he was thinking the same thing, that hopefully he'll have bagged a hottie who takes him on a real date, but the more riddle ponders it, the more he realizes that his dream valentine's date is kind of already happening? there are a few missing elements that he dares not name, but all in all, there's no going up from here. what can a boyfriend possibly give him that kaiser hasn't?
riddle...will not think about this any further. instead, he leans over to start easing his low heels off. he spotted a fancy shoe rack in the corner and like hell he's not going to use it. ]
Anyway, what shall we do? Would you care for a movie, or shall I call room service?
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[ kaiser is very unthreatened by this hypothetical boyfie... he feels very secure that even if riddle went and got himself a boyfriend — married him, even — that he will still be number one. that's just how it is! if anything, he lowkey welcomes the opportunity to pull toxic power moves to prove to mr. boyfriend that he will never be more important, and it might not even be close. chatgpt could never make up an r/relationships post this comical and horrifying!
anyways, kaiser will pull himself up to a sitting position, leaning back against the sofa and enjoying the way that his body sinks into the cushions. the lazyass in him is leaping out at how comfortable this all is... ]
Mmm... a movie first, then. [ he's still recovering from the homemade chocolate and parfait combo... ] Given the holiday, I suppose a romance?
[ not... the genre kaiser is generally into. but a good movie is good regardless of the genre, he supposes, and his usual taste might be a little too much of a downer for valentine's day. ]
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Don't be foolish.
[ riddle chuffs. ]
When have you ever known me to cut anyone slack? If he wants to keep me, then he will either impress me or die trying. I won't accept anything less.
[ though, he has to say, he kind of agrees with kaiser. riddle, the delulu little munchkin, doesn't think he's that hard to please. just take him out for gourmet dessert, provide an act of service, and rent out an exorbitant private space for him so he doesn't have to interact with riff-raff? the hardest part will be eating his honmei without expiring!
while kaiser flops around a bit, riddle takes a moment to hook his fingers into the backs of his shoes to hang them up, responding all the while. ]
A romance would be appropriate... We will need to find something with an interesting subgenre, however.
[ when he returns to slide onto the couch next to his bestie, riddle has brought the remote with him. ]
Ah. What about the new Nosferatu? I have yet to see it, but I want to. A dark, macabre romance is still a romance.
[ pretend nosferatu is already out or that i sent the hotel my pirated copy. anyway, riddle is pretty sure he'll crash the fuck out if they watch a sad romance or period drama, and he knows for a fact neither he nor the wife would enjoy a lowbrow romcom. ]
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Mm, okay. I heard it got pretty good reviews, I've been wanting to watch it too.
[ he lifts his arm so riddle can lean against him and kaiser can drape his arm over him. the sofa is actually so comfy that kaiser doesn't think his tit is a particularly good upgrade to it, but he thought he should offer the option! ]
Have you seen the original movie before? I promise, I won't make fun of your tastes for being pedestrian if you haven't...
[ more like kaiser's the weird one for having seen it and being a zoomer... to be honest... ]
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alas, he's paralyzed by the perpetual anxiety of kaiser deciding to dip one of these days, so standing up to his mother won't be happening anytime soon. it's also why, upon his return, rather than sit down immediately, he stands and stares at that riddle-sized space offered to him by his bestie.
riddle knows what it means when someone lifts an arm for you like that, he's not that fucking naive!! and you would have to be an absolute goofball not to want to lay on that sweet german booba?? cor blimey, does riddle want to. that's prime fucking real estate right there? just imagining the warmth and firmness is making riddle's face heat up. to reject this offer would be true headassery.
unfortunately, the headassery is probably going to win out over riddle. when he wonders which he'll regret more, going in for the cuddle or not going in for the cuddle, he's...not actually sure? to the surprise of no one, riddle has never sat this close to anyone before. what's more, to share such an intimate first with the person he's insane over... is it not obvious why this decision could ruin someone's life?
in the end, riddle says 'u think u have intimacy issues lol hold my beer' and does what he does best: deny his desire. after kind standing there and staring and blushing weirdly, he takes his seat next to kaiser, but is mindful of leaving enough room for jesus between them. he does his best to act totally normal and not all gutted as he fiddles with the remote. ]
I have not, as a matter of fact. Tease me, and it's off with your head. I wasn't allowed to watch television or movies growing up, so anything I've seen thus far has been fairly recent.
[ boop boop boop goes the tv as he pulls up the sexy gothic vampire movie..... ]
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he just puts his arm down like a surprisingly normal person and leans back further, relaxing against the cushioning. ]
Hm, well, we all have our crosses to carry. [ just a little teasing? eheh? ] It's fairly good. I mean, dated, for sure... but it's nice to watch some older cinema every once in a while. You know, to appreciate how far it has come since.
[ that, and at heart, kaiser has the tastes of an old man. ]
I'll leave the commentary for afterwards, though. I'm ready whenever you are.
[ kaiser's a good wife and lets the husband take charge with these things...! ]
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Oh, honestly... [ kaiser can has little a bit of teasing, as a treat. ] Perhaps we can watch the old one after we finish this one? It might be interesting to compare and contrast the cinematography. Anyway...
[ he's being sincere about that. boop boop, says the tv, and then the movie starts. it's a little hard to concentrate at first, not due to a lack of entertainment because the movie is actually really good?? but riddle's indecisiveness is still on his mind. sure, this sofa is the most comfortable thing he's ever sat on, but even so, nothing compares to german naturals, and honestly he feels a bit like he's being absorbed into it because of how small he is??? as if he could get lost between the cushions like a common penny...
maybe it's his imagination. regardless, it's about when count olrok's sexy ass shows up that riddle decides enough is enough and he forces himself to scoot in next to his wife. not enough to press against him, he can acknowledge that that ship has sailed, but it's certainly clear he wants to be closer, what with him leaving enough room for one of his small hands to fit between their hips and that's it. imagine riddle's surprise when, other than him blushing furiously, nothing happens. nothing changes. kaiser doesn't immediately declare this friendship Over and leave him forever. who would have thought? ]
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that said, riddle is awfully red and kaiser is making an effort to be a good friend(?) or something(?), so he leans in slightly before asking: ]
All good?
[ for some reason, he says this with more of a german accent than usual. he's been vibing with his countrymen onscreen, perhaps. never mind that they aren't actual germans... ]
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oh, nevermind it. riddle knows if he dwells on it too much right now, he'll end up missing what is genuinely an enjoyable movie. it hits all his pings! classic literature, accurate period costumes, gore, and all manner of things not typically associated with prim little flowers. kaiser isn't bothered by the sudden decimation of space between them, therefore he has no reason to spare it anymore thought.
poor thomas' problems seem more deserving of his attention, quite frankly. riddle is just about to settle in and return his focus to the movie, but of course kaiser has to throw him a curveball (as he so often does), leaving riddle deciding once and for all-- fuck thomas, his life is infinitely worse. ]
Ah... Yes. I'm fine.
[ totally fine. that's why he averts his gaze momentarily and tucks a lock of hair behind his ear. terribly cliche, he knows, but there's no saving him, not with that deep voice and slight accent spoken so close to him. he couldn't turn redder even if he wanted to. ]
I was simply getting more comfortable. With how tense the atmosphere is, you should be more worried about Thomas right now.
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[ whether bad things happen to this poor white man cannot be helped at this point, as far as kaiser is concerned. he has excellent division between fiction and reality when the direction is coming from the fiction side! when it's coming from the reality side, though... not so much. nobody can be perfect, though. ]
... It's not a stomachache, is it?
[ kaiser could tolerate a few of riddle's special chocos after forging his strength with years of eating trash and other such things barely better than plastic. he shalln't even attempt to estimate how many test rounds riddle has been through over the last few days, so it seems very possible that a combination of more of that today plus an ultra luxurious parfait could be hitting really hard at the moment? he's sooooooo... thoughtful! ]
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Obviously. I meant that you should use your imagination and put yourself in his place rather than worry about me.
[ his wife is such a smartass... though, riddle has to say, he would probably just sock the creepy old weird vampire man in the face if he got too close? and imagines kaiser would do something similar if he was in isekai'd into thomas' life right now?
well, it doesn't matter. riddle can barely pay attention when he's working his hardest to try and steady his heartbeat. his chocolate abomination and the most delicious parfait in the world are the furthest things from his mind, leaving him wondering if he appears sick or nauseous. despite the anguish it's causing him though, riddle doesn't make any moves to scoot away, instead putting on a frown and trying to remain strong. ]
It most certainly isn't a stomachache. From where I was sitting, it felt as if I was sinking between the cushions. They're almost too soft.
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